So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
