how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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