Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
