hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
