thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just high enough for therapy.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
