I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
