Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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