I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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