I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You made out with two different species that night
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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