i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
