just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
