I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
