ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
