The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
