My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When are your genitals available?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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