shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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