I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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