I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
