Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
