sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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