Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
