I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
