My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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