Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
