Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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