i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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