She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
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she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Vodka?
Forever.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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