just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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