Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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