i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
