the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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