I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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