Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
whose parrot is this?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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