I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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