I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
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Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize