You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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