Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
