Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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