I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"