Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT