I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Four minutes until I can fart!
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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