Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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