I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
