Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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