Your dad touched me again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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