I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
