last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
