I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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