smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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