You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
