did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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