Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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