She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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