I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
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But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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