Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
