I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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